Ronda Rousey says suicide crossed her mind after first UFC loss

On a segment that will appears on Tuesday’s episode of Ellen, an emotional Ronda Rousey told host Ellen DeGeneres that she contemplated suicide following her November 2015 loss to Holly Hom.

The former UFC champion appeared on the show to help promote her Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover, but the first part of their conversation centered around her title loss to Holm, the first time she’s truly opened up on camera about that night. At first, subdued and serious, she said that things weren’t perfect going into the fight but that’s how things go. She cited that it was her third title fight in nine months and that she felt tired, but nothing too out of sorts with other fights she’s had.

She said that Holm’s first shot “knocked out on her feet”, cutting open her mouth and knocking her teeth loose. She lost her depth perception and that she was swinging blindly.

She then got choked up when talking about what happened in the locker room afterward. She said she thought, “What am I anymore if I’m not this?” and said she had thought about “killing myself” and that she was “nothing” before looking up to boyfriend and UFC heavyweight Travis Browne. She said she saw him, thought that “I need to have his babies and to stay alive” and that he was meant to be there at that time. 

She said she does want to fight Holm next and to be the one that beats her.

Watch the six minute clip below and more with Rousey on today’s episode of Ellen.