Joey Janela’s Spring Break 3, Pt. II: A wild Clusterf*ck battle royal

The showcase of the immortal drunkards and deathmatch kings is upon us: the second part of the third annual Joey Janela’s Spring Break. Masato Tanaka faces LA Park, while the modern incarnation of LAX faces the only incarnation of the Rock ‘N Roll Express. Also, the greatest spring break battle royal ever is set to happen. 

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Our show late Saturday night in Jersey City, NJ, got a late start due to the ROH/NJPW show , but now we get Ron Funches on commentary. Tanaka’s theme plays, but Joey Janela comes out with Penelope Ford to face Jungle Boy. They’re in the same buildling they were in last night and the fans resume singing Jungle Boy’s theme. A giant “F ROH” chant breaks out due to the delay.

Jungle Boy submitted Joey Janela

They trade a million superkicks before Joey goes down to his knees and eats another one. He then gets up and lands another superkick, but Joey gets the edge off a lariat. Jungle Boy sends him out and hits a series of lopes and topes. Jungle goes up top for a moonsault, but Joey blocks it and lands a crazy high angle inverted brainbuster on the apron. That insanity only gets 1.

Jungle Boy lands a slingshot spear and a jungle cutter snaps him with a high angle landing for 2. Penelope comes in and hits a flying rana and then a a spike headscissor, but Jungle hits a pop-up backstabber to her. Joey lands a series of kneeling elbows and gets a dragon clutch.

Jungle Boy escapes and gets a rolling death valley driver on the ring. Joey gets 2 off a tombstone and then hits a super brainbuster for 1. They go back and forth on snap German suplexes. Joey jumps up for a choke, but Jungle Boy gets a standing twister choke and Joey taps out. For the second night in a row, Joey has lost on his signature event. They hug and raise hands. 

LAX defeated The Rock ‘n Roll Express

LAX comes down while they are being put over as having a massive rise from relative obscurity in Beyond Wrestling to now being what they are. 

Robert is taken to the corner by Santana, who then bowls him over. Ortiz comes in and gets knocked down quickly. Robert works an arm ringer, but it doesn’t last long. Ricky and Ortiz are in and Ricky (who still has a great armdrag) armdrags him down. Robert lands a noggin knocker and then a sleeper on Santana. A miscue leads to Ortiz eating a lariat from Santana. A Canadian Destroyer lands and Morton hits a tope on LAX on the floor. My god.

But, LAX recovers and hit a run-up cannonball in the corner that ends it.

Ortiz says that this was their ninth match of the week and their most anticipated one. Santana breaks down talking about how much they’ve influenced him and the two bow to the Rock’n’Rolls.

LA Park defeated Masato Tanaka

This was a battle of The Chairman vs. the receiver of some of the nastiest chairshots in wrestling history, so it should be interesting from beginning to end. A shoving match lead to a chop battle and then kicks and a nasty Park overhand chop. They go back and forth on running lariats with Park getting a shocking amount of speed for his age and weight. Park landed a chairshot and turned around a bit too late to logically make it, so he doesn’t see Tanaka get up, but he does and lands a rolling elbow to the chair that gets two.

Tanaka gets two off a tornado DDT and then hits a crossbody to the floor. Tanaka throws a beer at him and the announcers talk about how the mask can create a waterboarding effect with the liquid. Park slams him into a sea of chairs, gets a door and throws it in the ring, and then finds another one. The door is in the corner, but Tanaka takes him down and gets a frog splash for two. Then, LA Park spears him through the door to win it.

The Greatest Clusterf*ck Battle Royal

Necro Butcher comes out as number one and looks like his own grandfather. Then, Nick F’N Gage is here to battle him, apparently wearing the same shirt he’s been wearing all weekend because the white parts of his shirt are covered in blood. Schlak and Marcus Grain are here and Necro KOs Grain. Necro and Schlak then get into a hockey fight.

Georgie Boy is out, but no word on if the rubber chicken is also in the match. Nick beats him up with the chicken. A dueling door war leads to Swoggle coming down. He hits a shin music and some chin music on Shlak. Arik Cannon is out and stares down Gage right away. Swoggle runs wild on Necro and Georgie Boy is tossed out. 

Joe Gacey runs in and hits a DVD on Grain before Brian Pillman Jr. comes down. Grain and Shlak use a plastic bag over the head to Pillman. Nate Webb and Marko Stunt are out, but not just in the match, but they’re also singing and playing guitar with the fans singing alongside them. Swoggle and Necro take out Nick Gage. 

Shlak beats up Swoggle. MJF is out and beats up Marko and Nate with a chair while wearing an MDK shirt. Joey Ryan comes down which was surprising after he was running an opposition show to this one last night. Sexy Eddie comes down too and Joey oils him up and Brian as well. Joey and Eddie have an oil off before Jefe comes out. He wants oil, but doesn’t get it. Eddie’s towel is removed but he’s bare-assed and it finds its way into Joey’s face several times. 

Sexy Eddie gets a moonsault and he’s gone to hopefully get clothing. Nick Morrettii is out and now Stunt formally joins the fray along with his brother Logan. Necro tries to lift them up and take them out which works for Logan. Team Whitewolf is in and take out Pillman immediately. Swoggle gets a dick claw on Joey and it causes Joey to be eliminated due to his center of gravity.

Egotistico Fantastico comes in and hits a moonsault on Durst for 2. G. Raver comes out with hypodermic needles and he spikes Swoggle, who then hits a German. Superkick takes out Swoggle. Kikutaru comes in to poke asses for a while and makes the ref pass out before another ref puts the fingers up to Kikutaru’s nose and he passes out and is taken out. 

Homicide came down to the ring and squares off with Teddy Hart They slug it out before Teddy lands an uppercut. Cryme Tyme (!) returns to the ring with giant beards. Teddy and Homicide reunited for the good of JAPW and battled Shad and JTG. Teddy gets taken out. Shlak gets schoolboyed and taken out by Cannon. Grim Reefer is out and now Teddy Hart is out with a cat, who he hopefully won’t throw into the air again. The Ugly Ducklings are out to provide a modern-day Dupp act. Colby Corino is out gets a tornado DDT on Reefer. Slim J comes down with Funches summing him up as a white guy in a bandanna, so he must be tough. Facade comes down and he really should be gaining more momentum as he’s got a solid look. 

A ropewalk doomsday kick hits one Duckling, leading to a reverse rana accidentally hitting another. MJF gets rid of Cryme Tyme, but he’s knocked out by Necro. Gringo Loco is down and looks like what you’d get if you combined a balding trucker with Fat Super Crazy from 2005. He lands a nice Spanish Fly and then AJ Grey comes down and tears through the Ducklings. A Steiner Screwdriver hits for Grey and then he hits a tornillo dive onto a pile on the floor.

Ophidian is out and works with Raver before the Ducklings tope guys on the floor. Gringo Loco hits a big flip dive before Rich Swann arrives. Swann hits a corkscrew dive to the floor and then Facade hits a springboard 450. Cannon teases a dive and flips them off. Dustin Thomas (aka No Legs from Friday night) is out and hits a big 610. He gets a win with a swanton and the fans sing “No Legs” to the tune of “Ole”, so he’s made.

Brendan Brown is out and MJF lowblows him, but MJF is taken out. Facade does a ropewalk 450 onto the floor onto no one. Pharoah and Odinson are out to toss the Ducklings around. Shane Mercer comes down and forms an alliance with Necro. No Legs gets tossed out to the floor. Shane hits a big suplex and a moonsault powerslam off the second rope. 

Jake Atlas is out followed by Australian Suicide. Mercer slugs it out with KTB and then Caveman Ug comes down and barks…as you do. KTB and Ug chop and headbutt the daylights out of each other. Ug has great form on his butterfly suplex and snap uranage. Stunner takes out Australian Suicide. Crowbar comes down and other than a tattoo on his chest and redoing his facial hair, he looks very similar to how he did in WCW. Super Rana gets 2 for Crowbar.

Matt Treemont is down and brawls with Necro while Gacey takes out Crowbar with a chair. Grizzly Redwood returns to battle Shane Mercer. I don’t see that going well for him and Crowbar is taken out by a moonsault from the caveman. Chris Dickinson and Pinky Sanchez come down and Necro runs wild with forearms. Necro rakes the eyes of Pinky. Michael Blaze ccmes down and rains down superkicks. Kip Osbourne and Frankie Pickard arrive as partners and brawl with each other.

NWO Sting (Jeff Farmer) is out and is still jacked. Tracy Smothers is still in town and I’m sure he’s no more sane than he was last night, so tt’s time for UltraMegaMassHomicide. Mantaur comes down and is unbelievably slow. Mantaur needs to work with Orange Cassidy for a slow motion vs. regular motion spot. Matt Nix comes in is worked over by NWO Sting. 

Jimmy Lloyd emerges from his ungodly violent deathmatch last night to start brawling and lands a rolling death valley driver. Takeda comes down to resume their war from last night. Then, Mantaur got an elimination. Jeff Cannonball brawls with Takeda and lands a tombstone in such a way that I’m astounded he didn’t tear both knees upon impact. Ethan Page is out to fight for his very soul. Essa Rios is out and looks about the same as he did 20 years ago, just a bit chunkier around the middle. Necro’s just gone before “Maneater” blares as Ashley Vox, Allie Kat, Maria Manic, Solo Darling, Su Yung, and Session Moth Martina are out. They run wild and beat the tar out of the men. Martina goes for a grind, but spits beer and lands a DDT. Stunt hits Ashley in the stomach, but she lands an air raid crash on him.

Shazza beats up Frank the Clown who comes out and in the process, Funches finds his headphones. Frank gets a variety of angry chants as he eats a variety of kicks to the lower groin region. Now we get light tubes and Jimmy Lloyd gets killed with death by them all. Dickinson eats a superplex through two tables by Manic. They tear the ring up and let up Aubrey Edwards because she’s a female ref. They drag Joey Janela out and beat him up before a Signal Lost message hits the screen.

Well, this was a night of insanity with a very unique and memorable ending.