Impact Wrestling results: Tessa Blanchard vs. Taya Valkyrie rematch

This week’s show dragged with too many pre-taped backstage segments promoting next week’s special Final Hour episode. The show’s opener highlighted an otherwise drab Impact. 

Rich Swann defeated Willie Mack

The match began with a choreographed sequence where Mack tried to do the same aerial moves as Swann. At 285 pounds, Mack moves impressively. He’s not as agile or smooth as Swann, but he comes close. After the opening spot, Mack started with a series of power moves to slow down the pace of the match. Mack hit a running vertical suplex and threw a heavy frying pan chop that knocked Swann down.

Mack went coast-to-coast with a dropkick from one side of the ring to the other on Swann, who was tied up in the turnbuckle. Mack hit a cutter after throwing him up in the air and catching him. Mack got the crowd going with a “This is awesome” chant. After Mack gassed, Swann hit a 360 splash off the top rope leading to a near fall.

Mack rallied and hit a butt bomb in the corner on Swann, then a standing moonsault for a near fall. Mack tried for the pin again after hitting a cutter, but Swann got a leg on the rope.

Mack went to the top rope and missed a frog splash. Swann then hit a phoenix splash (that was slightly botched when his knee hit Mack’s head) for the win.

Commentators Josh Mathews and Don Callis hyped up the quality of the match. “We’re basically starting with main events now, who’s booking this stuff?” Callis said.

We got an Ohio Versus Everyone promo where Sami Callihan tried to bait Brian Cage to meet him for a fight in Ohio.

We then got another long analysis segment with Mathews and Callis.

The Desi Hit Squad (Raj Singh & Rohit Raju) defeated The Beach Bums

Beach Bum member TJ Crawford started the match by simulating a surfing motion. This was a squash match. Raju hit a knee while Sing held one of the Beach Bums up on his shoulders in a Samoan drop position. This is the new version of the Desi Hit Squad, with Raju and Gama Singh’s son, Raj Singh.

We got another pre-taped segment with the OGz walking around the city trying to act like gang members. The segment was filmed in black and white. Then they cut to LAX and Konnan at a bar drinking. If Impact doesn’t survive its current ratings slump, it might be because of these months-long pre-taped segments.

There was another pre-taped segment with Moose talking about how Eddie Edwards wasn’t a true friend. They were hyping next week’s “Final Hour” episode and a match between Moose and Edwards.

Then there was a Rockstar Wrestling pre-taped segment in Ohio where oVe and Callihan challenged a guy that they introduced as Brian Cage, but he clearly was not. Callihan berated the guy for being “15 pounds lighter” than the last time he saw him.

This was basically the Shawn Michaels vs. Bret Hart little person segment from 1997. Callihan pinned the guy quickly after some help from Dave and Jake Crist. Callihan then introduced himself as the new X-Division Champion, in an odd segment. Since it was Ohio, the crowd, those who understood what was happening, cheered for Callihan.

Another — another — backstage segment, Eli Drake encountered Joseph Park. Park tried to take a selfie with Drake. Drake asked Park if he was a real attorney and Park said he was still certified as a lawyer in seven states. He suggested Drake should join a class-action lawsuit to sue Impact Wrestling. Drake walked away and called Park his catchphrase, Dummy.

Another backstage segment.

The Desi Hit Squad was gathering. Gama Singh was explaining to Raju that with his guidance and tag teaming with his son, the team would be successful. Scarlett Bordeaux, who is playing the role of Missy Hyatt in the 1980s, was there.

Gama Singh started singing to Bordeaux and Raju tried to embarrass him, telling Bordeaux that he is a 65-year-old man who is happily married. Singh said “that’s not true.” Bordeaux said to Singh “Aren’t you from India? That’s where they invented the Kama Sutra.”

Singh responded, “of course.”

Bordeaux told him she is holding a talent search and that Singh should send her a video of the Kama Sutra.

Taya Valkyrie defeated Knockouts Champion Tessa Blanchard by DQ

Finally, a match. It’s been said a lot, but Blanchard should be in WWE alongside Charlotte, Becky Lynch, and Ronda Rousey — she has big-league presence.

Blanchard led the match, slowing it down methodically like an old school 1980s NWA match. Valkyrie hit Blanchard with a spear and got a near fall. She hit a couple of chops to the chest. Blanchard sells everything really well. Valkyrie hit a belly-to-back suplex for a near fall.

Valkyrie missed a clothesline and Blanchard hit a cutter. Valkyrie turned the tables and hit a moonsault on Blanchard for another near fall. Blanchard rolled to the outside of the ring and Mathews called her a “third-generation knockout.”

Valkyrie hit a splash off the top rope on Blanchard onto the outside. Blanchard got herself intentionally disqualified when she punched the referee, whom she’s had problems with. That was a true, old-school heel move. Callis mentioned Tully Blanchard about 100 times during her match.

We got another pre-taped segment to hype next week’s main event between Killer Kross and Impact World Champion Johnny Impact. Both of these guys talk too much. Johnny Impact lacks charisma and Kross looks like he is trying to come across meaner than he is.

Both guys were sitting down in different locations talking, while they showed clips of both guys in the ring.

There was a promo for Jordynne Grace, who was working out with weights. She said she has been a wrestler for eight years. Grace said she is the strongest female wrestler in the world.

The Global Wrestling Network Flashback Moment of the Week featured Gail Kim defeating Candice LeRae.

Another backstage promo with Fenix, speaking in English and Pentagon Jr.,who spoke in Spanish.

Brian Cage then cut a backstage promo saying he would defend his X-Division title against Sami Callihan at Rockstar Wrestling next week.

“I am not a man. I am a machine,” Cage said.

LAX (Santana & Ortiz w/ Konnan) defeated Matt Sydal & Ethan Page

Santana and Ortiz are both really strong wrestlers, which makes the fact that they are caught up in this months-long angle with the OGz even more disappointing.

Sydal is still obsessed with trying to get people to open their third eye.

Sydal and Page worked as a traditional tag team, cutting off the ring and keeping Santana in the ring for most of the match. Santana eventually escaped and made the tag. Ortiz hit a huricanrana, a splash in the corner, and then a stiff-legged splash on Page. Sydal and Page turned the tables after Sydal broke up a pin attempt. They hit simultaneous kicks to Ortiz’s head.

LAX rallied and hit a spinning suplex onto Ortiz’s knee for the victory.

There was another backstage segment with Allie looking into the mirror. Kiera Hogan interrupted her and begged Allie to tell her what is wrong. Allie said she has had some “darkness or void” inside her since the Bound for Glory Su Yung possession vignette.

Hogan promised to help Allie overcome her demons.

Pentagon Jr. (w/ Fenix) defeated Homicide (w/ King and Hernandez)

The OGz are trying to hurt Pentagon Jr. as a way of baiting Konnan to disobey the gang elders and break the ceasefire.

Pentagon hit Homicide with some vicious kicks to start the match. Homicide countered and bit Pentagon’s fingers. Callis said “there were no rules in the street where Homicide grew up.”

Homicide went for a superplex, but Pentagon slipped out underneath and then jumped to the top rope and hit a double stomp for the near fall. The two traded chops, but then Pentagon got the advantage with more hard kicks.

Pentagon snuck a school boy roll-up for the quick three count, prompting Hernandez to jump in the ring, but Fenix fought him off. King then jumped into the ring and hit Fenix with a black sock that had some weapon inside of it. The three of them triple-teamed Pentagon and Fenix and left them in the middle of the ring to end the show.